Put some Sriracha on it!

vicemag:

A LESBO’S GUIDE TO EATING VAGINA
Did you know that The Vice Guide to Eating Pussy is still one of the main articles to bring people over to vice.com? The reason for this is because unless you’re five-years-old, an unadventurous straight girl, or some other manner of person who sucks, you’ve probably had your mouth on a vagina and want to grow better and better in your skills as your life moves forward. Don’t you wanna be a winner? Don’t you wanna succeed in the ongoing battle of mouth vs. pussy? FUCK YES YOU DO! I figured that maybe it was time for a new guide, from the perspective of someone who both has a vagina, and is also BFFS with vagina (sexually).
As I was writing that thing that I just wrote about people who may not have ever had their mouth on a vagina, I had to stop and think about what sort of creature would fall into the “no thanks, no vagina for me” category. I thought about this for a long time, as though I was trying to solve a particularly difficult math problem because, after eating vagina for TWENTY-ONE years now, I can’t imagine life without it. It’s one of my major food groups.
Oh, hello. I’m a humongous lesbian. Perhaps you didn’t know that. Fact numero uno about lesbos is that, unless we’re chumps/fakers, we know a shit ton about flippy flaps, namely, how to wear one as a hat. Much with anything else in life though, enthusiasm doesn’t always equal skill. You can love a thing (like pussy) and still suck at that thing (like eating pussy). In the world of lesbian sex there are two acts that are at the upper echelon of difficulty 1) Strap-ons 2) Going down on a crotch in a really amazing way. This post is going to focus on the second one, and will hopefully be helpful for lesbians, soon to be lesbians, straight dudes, whoever.
1) You Are the Boss
When I saw my first ever naked vagina, aside from my own, I thought that I was going to freak out. A vagina isn’t really a pretty thing, and there’s a lot going on in there. I found myself sacrificing a great deal of personal and mental comfort (ex. neck pain, sort of falling asleep, killing myself and almost crying because it’s taking someone forever to come) to make it like me and to master its ways. I found out through practice and time that if you enter an oral situation thinking “THIS GIRL MUST COME OR I AM A FAILURE,” she’s probably not gonna come and you’re gonna have an awful time and be making all sorts of tense faces down there. Pressure is the worst and will drive away orgasms every time. Picture a farmer trying to herd sheep by just standing in the middle of a field crying and wishing really hard for the sheep to come to them. Getting uptight about making a girl come is shooing away the pussy sheep that you want to bring TO you. The important thing is to have a general feeling like “I’m putting my face on this vagina because I want to and because I’ve already seen this week’s episode of Mad Men. I don’t give a wild crap if it comes.” Then it will come. I promise.
CONTINUE

A LESBO’S GUIDE TO EATING VAGINA

Did you know that The Vice Guide to Eating Pussy is still one of the main articles to bring people over to vice.com? The reason for this is because unless you’re five-years-old, an unadventurous straight girl, or some other manner of person who sucks, you’ve probably had your mouth on a vagina and want to grow better and better in your skills as your life moves forward. Don’t you wanna be a winner? Don’t you wanna succeed in the ongoing battle of mouth vs. pussy? FUCK YES YOU DO! I figured that maybe it was time for a new guide, from the perspective of someone who both has a vagina, and is also BFFS with vagina (sexually).

As I was writing that thing that I just wrote about people who may not have ever had their mouth on a vagina, I had to stop and think about what sort of creature would fall into the “no thanks, no vagina for me” category. I thought about this for a long time, as though I was trying to solve a particularly difficult math problem because, after eating vagina for TWENTY-ONE years now, I can’t imagine life without it. It’s one of my major food groups.

Oh, hello. I’m a humongous lesbian. Perhaps you didn’t know that. Fact numero uno about lesbos is that, unless we’re chumps/fakers, we know a shit ton about flippy flaps, namely, how to wear one as a hat. Much with anything else in life though, enthusiasm doesn’t always equal skill. You can love a thing (like pussy) and still suck at that thing (like eating pussy). In the world of lesbian sex there are two acts that are at the upper echelon of difficulty 1) Strap-ons 2) Going down on a crotch in a really amazing way. This post is going to focus on the second one, and will hopefully be helpful for lesbians, soon to be lesbians, straight dudes, whoever.

1) You Are the Boss

When I saw my first ever naked vagina, aside from my own, I thought that I was going to freak out. A vagina isn’t really a pretty thing, and there’s a lot going on in there. I found myself sacrificing a great deal of personal and mental comfort (ex. neck pain, sort of falling asleep, killing myself and almost crying because it’s taking someone forever to come) to make it like me and to master its ways. I found out through practice and time that if you enter an oral situation thinking “THIS GIRL MUST COME OR I AM A FAILURE,” she’s probably not gonna come and you’re gonna have an awful time and be making all sorts of tense faces down there. Pressure is the worst and will drive away orgasms every time. Picture a farmer trying to herd sheep by just standing in the middle of a field crying and wishing really hard for the sheep to come to them. Getting uptight about making a girl come is shooing away the pussy sheep that you want to bring TO you. The important thing is to have a general feeling like “I’m putting my face on this vagina because I want to and because I’ve already seen this week’s episode of Mad Men. I don’t give a wild crap if it comes.” Then it will come. I promise.

CONTINUE